Happy New Year Janice,

Let me know how this latest cruise goes. Just wanted to touch base before the big New Year Eve's party gets started. I hope it is as much fun as last year. When we started shooting the rifles at midnight we were delighted at all the ducks that fell out of the night sky. Elrod and Nimrod got everyone helmets for this year's celebration. Mr. Riggans is almost back to normal even though he still walks a little funny.

There is a rumor that one of the big wigs from the "site" next door will be visiting our home tonight. This time without the MP's. We have reassured him that we don't want to know what really goes on over there. Well at least I don't. I'm not sure about the twins.

Have fun on your cruise in the Mediterranean.

Beatrice

From all the gang on the other side of the hill to all those folks out yonder. Happy holidays and Happy New Year, whichever one it is. (The goat ate my calendar)

Beatrice, Elrod, Nimrod and all the furry ones on our farms

Dear Janice

My sincere condolences, again. Do you plan these freak accidents? Wait, don't answer that. So husband number three fell into the volcano in Hawaii and vanished. You need to visit us and get away from the real world.

Well, my world is more reality than I want most of the time. Yesterday, for instance, I was chased by the bull, Red. He happened to be the one I had tried to milk the first time I had to take over for Elrod. Then the badger babies turned on me during their feeding. I now have to make a long trip to town to get new jeans. I don't care for the ripped jean look even though Elrod enjoyed it. Then, Elrod went from the lovely shade of copper to a glowing yellow color. He is now my night light when I come downstairs since he has taken to sleeping in his recliner. It has something to do with the sleep walking. He fell down the stairs last week.

Nimrod replaced the stair railing just this morning with some fresh cut pine. I am getting use to the rustic look around here. If things get anymore rustic I would think I live in the early frontier. I refuse to let the men rip up the floor to expose the dirt. Elrod thought that it would be more eco friendly to get rid of the tile floor.

I will write to you soon. I hope.

Sincerely,
Beatrice

PS I am keeping a journal of daily ponderings. I will send you a copy as soon as I gather six months or so.

Janice,

What do you think of the names Betty and Bobby for the baby badgers? Nimrod has brought them home since the vet said that they needed bottle feeding every four hours. I get to feed them during the day while Nimrod takes the night shift. He even made little carrying bags for them.

I have gotten the hang of the wheelchair inside the house. Nimrod has created me a scooter from one of the old riding lawn mowers. I've only crashed it once and the bull has fully recovered.

Elrod has learned his lesson on slow moving animals. I was warned that he has turned a lovely shade of copper from whatever he ate. The government men say that it might fade in about six months or so. I will have no problem telling the boys apart when he gets home.

How's the new husband doing? Will he be able to use his right arm since the bear attacked? Where did the bear come from, I thought you were on a cruise?

Beatrice

Janice,

When people say that lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place they lie. Here's the story, according to Nimrod, since I can't remember anything about that day.

Nimrod had strapped his deer stand up in the telephone tree. He even nailed a ladder up the tree so that I could get up there easier. Well, just as I dialed your number. Zap, boom, bang!

Nimrod said that I flew out of the tree and into a small cave on the side of the mountain. He heard a terrible scream from the cave then a ball of fire flew out. It took him an hour to get to the mouth of the cave. He found me nestled all snugly in a badger's den with two baby badgers.

After he put out the mother badger. Did I tell you the cell phone was on fire when I went for the flight? Well, anyway, Nimrod retrieved the baby badgers and me from the cave, in that order. He took us to the hospital and the veterinarian, not necessarily in that order.

All I remember is waking up in the hospital with my left leg in a cast. The doctors said something about removing a bone. No. Not mine. It was something in the badger's den impaled in my leg. I didn't ask what kind of bone.

Nimrod has been so helpful to me. Did I fail to mention that Elrod will be released from quarantine in about three weeks. The man from the government said the Elrod had eaten something he caught from the "site" and it was questionable if it had been exposed to some virus. I have told Elrod to stay away from slow moving animals from the valley. Maybe now he will stick to our mountain.

Thanks for the get well card. And congratulations again. The cabana boy? You did have a prenup, right? Enjoy your cruise.

Healing nicely,
Beatrice

Janice

Just a note to let you know that I am finally out of the hospital. I will write once I'm off the pain meds.

Beatrice

My sincerest condolences, Janice,

I am so sorry to hear about the untimely death of your husband. Who knew that a whale could jump on a boat and swallow someone whole? Not even a shoe left?

Please feel free to come stay with me. Elrod said that the crop duster is in tip top shape.

Nimrod would love to show you around this quaint piece of paradise. As long as you stay away from the new government installation, it is still quite a lot of acreage to hike. Just don't take a camera near the satellite dishes on the north side of the valley. For some reason they get upset when you start taking pictures. Go figure.

Once again, I am so sorry.

Heart felt hugs,
Beatrice

Congratulations Janice!

Do I call you Mrs. Dr. or just Mrs.? Was the trip to Vegas planned or just a spur of the moment thing? Also, aren't you something special winning that 10 million dollar slots jackpot?! Was that before or after the wedding?

I made a long trip to get you a gift card at Target. It was worth the four hour drive since I was able to get a few new pairs of jeans and some shirts. I have destroyed most of my jeans on the barb wired fences. Twice the bull chased me through the back yard. I haven't worn that red shirt since.

Maybe when you get settled I can come for a visit and see your new house.

Keep writing. Sorry that I dropped the cell phone down the well. Elrod said that he would replace it the next time he went to auction. Maybe this time we can sell that hog, Rerun (he has been to auction four times with no buyers).

Your friend,
Beatrice

PS. As I think about it, people may not want to buy a pig with a spot in the shape of a pentagram on his back.

Janice,

Can you tell me where you order your wigs? Elrod has lost all his hair, poor thing. Nimrod did a nice thing and shaved his head. So, I am back to being careful about whom I hug.

So, Bert's just living with both of the twins!? I was glad to hear that ya'll were able to have an amicable settlement. Sorry you lost Sergeant Yorkie. Do you get visitation rights?

I've penciled in a date for my trip to come see you next month. How's your schedule looking?

Beatrice

Dear Janice,

Thank you for the get well card. Suzy the Squirrel and I enjoyed it. She gets her casts off tomorrow.

I am glad to hear about your engagement. Who would guess that an office romance would be with the doctor? Aren't you glad you took that job? I've enclosed a gift card. If you don't have a Dub's Emporium close by, guess you'll have to check his website or come visit me.

I'm still confused about Bert. Did you say that he's marrying the "miracle worker" or was it her twin sister? Oh well, I hope everything works out for him. How did he get the dual citizenship to Mexico?

Elrod is doing better. I'll explain again. He went up to the top of the telephone tree to attach my "telephone chair" when a thunder storm came out of nowhere. Lightning hit the tractor seat and blew Elrod right of that tree. Luckily he landed in an abandoned eagle's nest. After resting for an hour or so he climbed down to the ground.

One good think is that I won't have to cut his hair for awhile. Elrod isn't happy that it's curly now. He's also digging a storm cellar for any future storms here.

Another good thing, I can tell Elrod and Nimrod apart.

Write soon,
Beatrice

PS. I will call as soon as I find a better tree since the lightning burnt the top out of the telephone tree.

Dear Janice,

I am so sorry to hear about Bert. Are you going to be able to keep the house? The preacher at The First Assembly of The Most Righteous did something similar with the choir director. How young was his nurse? Do you have to pay alimony?

Sorry that our cell phone conversation was so short. I lost my grip on the tree when I took a swat at that annoying buzzard. Luckily the phone landed in a squirrel's nest. Did you know squirrels liked shiny objects? It took an hour to get the phone out of the nest. The doctor said that I get the stitches out of my left hand next week.

Well, need to check on Elrod. He wants to set a proper seat in the tree so I can talk longer to you.

Your friend,
Beatrice

PS. Did you know that squirrels are just as fast even when one leg is in a cast? Got to go get her back. Still waiting the ten days for the rabies thing.

Janice,

Sorry that I haven't written in a while. I really appreciate that cell phone you sent. I have been busy trying to find a signal. I will keep working on that but in the mean time, here's a note.

I am amazed at you stamina working two jobs. Who knew that rehab could be so expensive? I wonder why his insurance is not covering it? Have you been allowed to see Bert yet? I hope it is soon.

Elrod should be getting his cast off this week. Nimrod has decided to stay on at the farm Elrod bought next door and leave migrant work behind. He still isn't quite use to sleeping inside a house yet. But, at least, he wear's pajamas now when he sleeps on the porch.

Did I tell you that Lucky and her pups are stars now on the internet? One of the high school biology students came out and did a video on Lucky. She fell in love with the pups. She talked me into letting her name them. So now's there's a poll out there on the web to name them. Who would believe that Gimp and Grace would be the top two names? Stumpy and Stagger are a close second. I wish that I had named them already.

Well, write when you can. What day is your day off from the all night diner? Do you get the same day off from the orthopedic office? I will call you as soon as I find a signal and I don't want to wake you. I get up at 5:00am, Elrod let's me sleep late thanks to Nimrod, if you want to keep trying to call me on the cell phone.

Stay safe,
Beatrice

My Dear Janice,

I am glad to hear that Bert has improved and has been moved to a new rehab facility. Are you sure it is called the Cozumel Cabanas? Please send me the street address, I want to send a card. I'm sorry to hear that it is a restricted facility and you can't go visit him.

Nimrod has been a blessing. The duct tape worked wonders repairing Elrod's cast. I was glad that it was waterproof especially since Elrod fell in the creek during the last gully washer. Nimrod did have trouble retrieving him out of the tree since now the cast is so heavy from all the tape. We had to get the cast replaced when it started to mold.

I hope you received the flowers that I sent. Again, I am so sorry to hear about your father's fatal accident. When did he start bungee jumping bridges of the world? Did it take long to retreive his body from France? How high was the Millau Viaduct Bridge?

Maybe next month we can plan that get together. Let me know your plans.

Sincerely,
Beatrice

new letters from beatrice

Dear Janice

I am glad to hear that Bert has regained the use of his hands. That nurse must be putting in major overtime to get Bert up and running again, so to speak. When will he be released from Well Done rehab? I hope that he is home for your anniversary.

How's your head since that nasty fall at work? Who knew that people do bleed at the orthopedic office? Did anyone get hurt when you lost control of the supply cart?

Elrod is doing well. We had to send for his brother, Nimrod, to help out around here. Since the vacuum cleaner experiment went wrong, the cows don't trust me, especially Twinkie.

Did you know Elrod had a twin brother? Me either. If it wasn't for the cast I wouldn't be able to tell them apart. Even down to the squirrel shaped birthmark on the left shoulder. Get your mind out of the gutter, I had to hose off Nimrod after he met the llamas.

Well, things are getting busy around here, maybe we'll try to get together next month.

Yours truly,
Beatrice

PS. You won't believe this. You can repair a broken cast with duct tape. According to Nimrod it even makes it waterproof.

Dear Janice,

I am so sorry to hear about Bert's accident with his Hoveround. I thought they put brakes on those things. Well, at least you'll know where he is during the day. Which rehab facility is he at?

Elrod had an accident, too. His prize rooster got up in the big oak tree by the chicken coop. Well, he made it up the tree just fine, but then the silly rooster flew out of the tree startling Elrod. Luckily he didn't fall out of the tree. His foot got stuck, he slammed right into the trunk of the tree breaking his right arm.

Looks like I'll have to stay here to tend to the cows. I haven't quite got the hang of milking them yet, but I have figured out the girls from the boys.

Sincerely,
Beatrice

Dear Janice

Let me tell you what Elrod left in his pockets. He had found some kind of metal plate on the new farm next door and just slipped it into his overalls. He said he forgot about it.

When I finally pulled it out, Lord help me, if it wasn't one of the land mines the government men told him about. I threw it out the back door just to get it out of the house.

I hope you get to visit soon. The new pond will be stocked with fish by this weekend. Elrod said that the water company will get the new line to the house by next Friday.

How's Bert doing? Glad to hear that you got a new job at that Orthopedic doctor's office you visit so often. How is your aversion to blood, any inconvenience? People usually don't bleed there, do they?

Keep writing, I look forward to your letters since now the satellite is out due to the hail storm last week.

Affectionately yours
Beatrice

Dear Janice

I'm glad to hear that Bert has adjusted to the prosthetic leg. Who would have thought you could get gangrene from a yard stick? Where did you get it, Acme Chemical Company?

Sorry to hear about your cat. This time they couldn't retrieve your brooch without harming him. So sad. I have more kittens if you want me to bring you one when I visit. The only one not available is the two tailed cat.

Telephone lines are down again. This time some government people came in with heavy equipment to take out our neighbor's little "crop". Elrod kept talking about some kind of weed or something. Elrod did get a good price when he offered to buy the place. They had to warn him about some land mines they weren't able to clear.

Oh goodness, there goes the washing machine. Elrod must have left something in his overalls pocket again.

Sincerely
Beatrice

Dear Janice

Sorry to hear about Bert's surgery. Did I forget to mention that the yard stick should be metal? I'm sure they can remove that piece of wood without much scarring.

Last week Elrod had a tiny accident with the chipper/shredder. Poor old Rerun, his pet hog, will be sorely missed. But, on the bright side, we were able to provide the sausage for the men's breakfast at the church.

Well, I have to go retrieve the quilts from the clothes line, looks like a toad strangler coming in. Guess next week is out, you know, the creek and all.

Yours truly
Beatrice

Dear Janice,

Crop dusting is done now, so looks like I'll be in on Monday evening.

My telephone line is back up since that little tornado came through and took down our lines. Just give me a call if it is inconvenient.

Tell Bert I hope his cast on his leg doesn't get too itchy. A yard stick works wonders if it does.

No, I will not name the pups Gimp and Grace.

Your friend,
Beatrice

PS. How tall was that ladder that Bert fell off?

Dear Janice

I'm sorry to hear that your cat went through major surgery. Thank the Lord that they were able to save your mouse shaped diamond brooch in the process. How did he swallow such a large piece of jewelry?

At home our cats stay in the barn. Last count we had three. Coyotes came through last week, we did have fourteen.

Luck, our one-eyed, three legged, tailless dog had puppies. Who would have thought that her condition could be genetic? They look just like her. Trying to come up with names. Any suggestions?

Well, need to go tend to Elrod. He fell into an old well and caught a nasty cold. It took me two days to find him this time.

Sincerely
Beatrice

Dear Janice,

Your new home sounds so nice. I'm glad that you have a room set up just for me. The country theme made me laugh. At least I'll feel at home.

The creek is down and the plane is ready for flight. The fields have been harvested and no animal is due.

I have to usher at church this Sunday. And the right Reverend is having baptism at the river. I'm in charge of cleaning the snapping turtles out of the area. So I look to leave on Tuesday, next week.

Please let me know if that is good for you.

Your friend,
Beatrice

Janice

The creek's up.

Beatrice

Dear Janice

I'm sorry that I made you ill. And no, I will not pay the doctor's bill. Hitting your head on the toilet as you lost your lunch was not my fault.

Your schedule seems full right now with the charity event for the three legged ferrets and the 5K race for dyslexic accountants.

I'll plan to fly out the first of next month.

Sincerely
Beatrice

Dear Janice,

The crop duster and hanger are repaired, but now it's time to harvest the milo. No, not the cute dog from the movies, but the grain.

Also the cow is due to drop her calf any day. Last year I learned how to birth a calf. It was an experience I hope to never live through again. My arm got stuck and it took two men to pull it out. Did I tell you, I still held on to the legs of the calf while they pulled? When it was over I don't know who had more goo, me or the calf.

Enough about me. How are you? I'll write as soon as it calms down here.

Yours truly,
Beatrice

Welcome everyone

This is a series of letters from Beatrice to Janice.
Enjoy.

Dear Janice,

I look forward to our upcoming visit. What has it been? Twenty years since grad school? My flight plans are still pending due to the elk attacke at the airport. Elrod has to repair the landing gear on the crop duster then I should be able to give you and exact date of my visit.

Ienjoy living in rural Arkansas, but transportation can be tricky especially if the creek is up. It's the only way in and out of the farm. Yes, I said farm.

What is a woman with a Masters degree in Business doing on a farm? Many mornings I wake up and wonder why I took that bet.

Regretfully yours,
Beatrice